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Loading ...State of California
1 Aahnold St.
Sacramento, CA
Dear New Resident,
While we in the state of California appreciate your interest in our state and the contributions you’ve made while living here the last fours years, it has become increasingly apparent that you’re not getting the message. So, let us be direct:
Get the hell out.
Frankly, all of you refugees from Jesusland are seriously overpopulating our state, and we can’t afford it anymore. We figured you might have gotten the hint after we destroyed our public school system with Prop 13. We thought you would have put it together when we started referring to pet owners as “guardians” like they were our fucking kids or something. And, really, we’re stunned that electing the guy from “Commando” as our governor didn’t make you reassess living here.
C’mon, how much is nice weather, a neat bridge and decent wine really worth? A crappy 900 sq. ft. house in Walnut Creek with a postage-stamp sized yard is a steal at $400k because of all you idiots flooding in! Go home!
Anyhow, by now we’re sure you’ve read about our plan to implant a GPS tracker on your car and tax you for every mile you drive. We’re proud of that one — we know you’re driving an hour each way to and from work because of the sky-high housing prices around the Bay Area (again: your fault), and we figure that nicely conveys our point. And frankly, if this doesn’t get our message across, we’re going to have to resort to simply grabbing you out of your bed in the middle of the night and feeding your to that Great White we have on display down in Monterey. Don’t think we won’t. Hell, we’ll feed her your goddamn cheesehead cats, too. Try us.
Move back to Wisconsin. We’re not kidding.
Love, California [What Do YOU Think? Comment on this Post!] [Testify!]
